My lover broke up with me after I cleared his debts

Query: Hi, I am a 27-year-old banker and was dating a colleague since the past two years. Three months back, we had our Roka ceremony and marriage was on cards. Last year, he wanted to buy a car and I took a loan of 4 lakhs for him.

A week back, I paid the last instalment of this loan and called to inform him. Unfortunately, he confessed he is in love with his ex-girlfriend and broke up with me. Now, I feel shattered and do not even feel like living my life. I was duped by the love of my life. Plus, I can’t see my mother crying all the time. What should I do? – By Anonymous

Response by Ms Rachana Awatramani:

When you invest in a relationship, it is not necessary that your partner also equally invests in it. Therefore, creating boundaries becomes absolutely essential.

I understand that you feel shattered as you have broken up with your boyfriend who you were dating from past two years. I understand that you are hurt as he expressed his love for his ex-girlfriend and wanted to move out of the relationship with you. You mentioned that you had a car loan which you had taken for him and the last instalment was paid a week ago.

It is normal to feel that maybe he wanted you to pay the loan, and then cheated on you. However, people do invest and buy gifts for each other in a relationship. It is based on mutual trust. He also has expressed his love for his ex-girlfriend and has moved on.

Firstly, I would suggest that you see a psychologist or a psychiatrist immediately as you have expressed suicidal intentions and you are also worried about your mother who is continuously crying.

Secondly, speak to someone close to you about this situation and reflect on the lessons you have learnt from this relationship.

Lastly, it is very important to understand that when you feel a certain emotion for other person, it is not necessarily that the other person would feel the same as we do not have control over the other person’s life. We can only work on our actions and choices, and relationships don’t come with any guarantees.

– Ms Rachana Awatramani is a counselling psychologist in Mumbai